ive never understood why people who choose to express themselves are looked down upon... they are shunned by people everywhere who are just afraid of what is different from them. which is stupid. we all look different from each other... some more than others but arent we all the same. just living for the same things... to have a good life? right now i cant find a job and i really need one because i cant be supported by my mom forever. but no one will hire me because i choose to be different. i choose to express myself. jsut because my hair is dyed weird colours, i have a few piercings and i wear funky clothes doesnt mean i wouldnt be a good worker, because i am. i guess that in order for me to get somewhere in life i'll just have to change myself into someone i dont want to be. someone that isnt me... which is totally unfair. i dont have to change who i am for anybody... people might say to me, well changing what you look like isnt changing who you are... well in my opinion that is bull... what you look like is definatley a part of who you are... i mean... its you. i dont want to change myself and i refuse to. it took me a long time to even start to like myself... and now that i remotley do, im not changing... im happy being me and i refuse to let anyone take that away from me. the world would be such a boring place if we all looked and acted the same. just a bunch of clones ruling... not cool. i dont want to be like everybody else, because im not. so nuts to all these people who wont accept me for who i am. this is a matter that has always upset me. my entire life i feel that i have been looked down upon just because i look and think a little different from everybody else. people take one look at me and decide right away whether or not they'll take a chance and get to know me. the friends that i do have, have to stand up for me, because others say im strange. i hate it... self expression shouldnt scare people away, it should just be accepted. but i doubt that will ever happen. other people say to me... sooner or later you'll realize that you cant keep going on living your life this way, you'll have to change sooner or later and accept it. but seriously... why should i have to? my aunt offered me a job at her new business... i was pretty pumped... but then i guess she thought it might not be a good idea because of what i look like. i just dont understand. it just really pisses me off... i just had to bitch about that for a while. later... POWER TO THE FREAKS!!!

k this is really lame... but most of my updates are anyway so it doesnt really matter :) i have this problem where when i have too many pockets i cant find where i put my lighter... so i solved that problem by putting a lighter in every pocket :) now seriously thats kinda sad :)
oh and just to let you all know, im over that superly depressed mood i was in the other day :) well im still kinda desgruntled... but better... :) which is good... i just get really down sometimes and there is absolutley nothing i or anyone else can do to make me feel better :( and it sucks... im glad im over it for now :) anywho... im gonna go chill out for a bit :) OOO and im okay with driving now... its not scary anymore :) later!

on some days when im lucky i feel as if nothing could possibly get me down... nothing can get in my way, and nothing could ruin the way i am feeling. you feel like you are on the top of the world, and you know that with everything crappy thats going on in your life, you can still manage to feel great and things are still going good enough for you... so that shows that things will get better... because you can make them get better. but then there are the days like today, that i have way more often than the days where i feel good. on these particular days i just feel completely dead. everything i used to enjoy doing is totally lame now. i have lost interest in everything i used to love. now i feel like i am just a sad excuse for a person. im not going anywhere in life. i am doomed to fail. i have no life. i hardly leave my house anymore... cept on wknds where i do the same thing every wknd. all i do throughout the week is go to skool, come home and sit behind my computer and talk to the same ppl... ALL THE TIME! my life is sooo boring. whenever i get excited about something, it doesnt last long, because for some reason my excitement always seems to get CRUSHED! and it sucks. then i fall into this crappy deep depression, and i just feel hopeless. its NOT FUN. i just feel like not talking. not going out and trying to make myself feel better. i just feel like locking myself in my room and waiting for all the bad to pass... which it usually never does. i havent had a nervous breakdown in a while, but my anxiety has been REAL bad... i wish i only had good days, so i would never have to feel this lifeless ever again. but i doubt that will happen.

i have these thoughts inside my head but i cant say them aloud
im scared that i just might be laughed at if i say them to a crowd
but maybe someday i'll find someone whom with i can speak my mind
someone to love and to love me back i can not wait to find
i want someone that will accept me, even though im a little odd
i dont want someone that when i speak will just sit and smile and nod...

hey peoples! my life is actually not too shabby right now... im pretty impressed :) havent had any nervous breakdowns recently which is good :) be proud peoples... its been almost 4 months since my car accident and for the very first time today... i got behind the wheel again... :P and i realized something... I AM SO NOT READY TO DRIVE AGAIN!!! alright... it had to be one of the most terrifying experiences of my life... FOR REAL!!! and it sucks how our new car is almost identical to the one i almost died in... when i was drivin all i could think was... yeah i almost died in a car just like this one... that SUCKED!!! oh well... im gonna force myself to keep on drivin... i dont wanna be a pedestrian for the rest of my life... that would suck even more... i know i'll eventually get used to it again, and the more i drive the less TERRIFYING it will be for me... hopefully :) yuh huh... so im doin pretty good in skool, ive been sucking up HUGE!!! and ive been totally goin hard doin all my homework... i am quite proud :) yep... sooo... my initials spell BEAM!!! BAH HA HA HA HA what do yours spell??? man okay so i went to hand out some resumes today... THEY ACTUALLY DIDNT THROW IT IN THE TRASH THIS TIME!!! i was pretty impressed... usually when i go to hand in resumes to places, they throw it right in the trash... which isnt cool at all... anywho yeah... i need a haircut REAL bad... its gettin pretty shaggy... im startin to look like a punkish hippee er somethin... OOO YEAH!!! prom is in a few months... PUMPED UP!!! i got the cutest sneakers theyre orange and blue :) nuts to chick shoes... i have the worst coordination as it is... as if id be able to walk in those bitches... ya rite :) and im gonna dye my hair to match my dress :) cool er what?!? haha me in a dress... thats HALARIOUS!!! it should be very interesting... :P yessum... but in the meantime... i still need to dye my hair again... any suggestions for any cool coloured combinations??? haha thats a lot a C's!!! :)OOO dig my pic?? i luv my drawings... sooo good :) yuh huh... welp dudes and dudettes i am runnin outta stuff ta say :) so im out :P have a good one!

love day shmove day... who cares... k so i must have had like a major valentines day mood swing er somethin... im not too impressed with this day now...valentines day is crap... its sucks for all us single chicks in the world... all those ppl hooked up just have to constantly rub it in on how inlove they are and crap... its BULL!!! a big pile of it even... yeah its just a time to reminise *bad spelling * on all those relationships you once had that failed miserably... like the ones who ignored you, or the ones who hit you... the ones who made you feel bad about yourself, the ones you were hoplessly inlove with and lost them... or even the ones who jumped out windows...haha actually that last ones kinda funny... anyway.. back to bitchin' :) BLAH BLAH BLAH... its crap... the only person that told me happy valentines day today was my mom... and i only got valentines from my mom and dad... it was pretty shafty... i guess it is just another day in the crap happy year where people celebrate a bunch a nothin. all these people goin out with their boyfriends and stuff... yeah i bet you feel special... you got someone to love. me... yeah well i love myself, so NAH! pfft... ill just be my own valentine... actually f*ck it... i dont need a stupid valentine... im just PEACHY KEEN!!! ive never not had a valentine... so this year is a big shaft and im not impressed... yep so next year... there will be no giving out of the valentines... nuh uh... im just gonna be a big stubborn, sounds like a good deal to me. it should just be totally cancelled... erased from the year. thatd be nice. like as if there arent already enough people that make out in the hallways of our skool... i dont need to see it like 10 times worse on one certain day of the year. i think i can live without it thanks... for sure... im in a pretty bitchy mood right now as you all can prally tell :) but its fun :P welp... im gonna give it up on the yackin up a storm for now... later dudes and dudettes... have a happy nother day of the year...

yeah yeah i know that valentines day is just another sappy day... it may just be another holiday manufactured by the card, candy and jewlery companies to keep them in business... but i think its such a cute little day. some people think its just a big sham... but its sooo cute. i just wanted to say HAPPY VALENTINES DAY TO ALL YOU COOL DUDES OUT THERE!!! if you have someone special to share it with... youre lucky :P

k sure super greg is a cool lookin guy... but man for real... is this not your worst nightmare??? like seriously... a whole bunch a super gregs flyin all over the place... pfft... now that is some serious scary ass shyte... SUPER GREG NUMBA 1!!!

People never see me for who i really am
They all just look right past me because they think they can
If they'd just get to know me, they'd see that i'm quite nice
But they hear things and talk to others taking their advice
Oh shes a freak and shes a whore is what they usually say
Then when i know i cant take more, I just learn to walk away

I hate the way you talk to me
and the way you cut your hair
I hate the way you drive your car
I hate the way you stare
I hate your big dumb combat boots
and the way you read my mind
I hate you so much it makes me sick
it even makes me rhyme
I hate it how youre always right
I hate it when you lie
I hate it when you make me laugh
even worse when you make me cry
I hate it when youre not around
and the fact you didnt call
but most of all I hate the fact
I dont hate you at all... from 10 things i hate about you